Homework:

Record of complaints for the week:

I tend to be a big joiner in the complaining. If someone else is complaining I will absolutely join them in complaining about whatever, the weather, a current situation, another person, whatever it may be.  If I am complaining it is usually to someone else who I know is also a complainer.  I complain a lot with Shelby. Then I complain about Shelby to Amber. I usually complain about things that don’t seem to make sense to me or when someone hurts my feelings.  I try not to complain about something that I can actually do something about, as it is one of my pet peeves. As of yet, I am not really able to notice it is as the voice of the ego.  I am noticing better that complaints about myself or ways I behaved in the past week or so, are simply the voice of the ego.  I am working on stopping these thoughts but at least currently, I am able to recognize them for what they are.

Record of underlying resentment and negative thought about what I am doing:

This I do frequently, especially if I am cleaning up after Shelby or going behind her turning off lights. I also do this if I am going somewhere or doing something with her that I would rather not be doing. When I notice the underlying resentment, it begins to fade because I simply tell myself that  I always have a choice and if I don’t want to do something, then I shouldn’t do it.

Is there someone in my life that I haven’t forgiven or have turned into an enemy?

The only person I can think of that somewhat fits this category is Danielle, but I really have let most of it go.  I don’t talk about her frequently, but I wouldn’t ever really want to see her again. I believe I have definitely turned the president into my enemy. I feel that through his selfishness and greed he has damaged this country so that it will take years to get us back on the right track. I feel angry when I hear his name or especially if I see his image. This anger also travels to those who admit to being a supporter of his still. This anger pushes me to confront these people and I absolutely feel that i am better than they are because at least I care about people and am trying to help. I realize now that this judgement of them is merely a way for my ego to gain strength.

What can I learn about my grievances and my enemy?

I truly believe that which we find most irritating or hurtful in others is a manifestation of what people see in us. It is very difficult to contemplate how I am like the president and what I can learn from him. I suppose that I am also quite power hungery and controlling. I do like to be the decision maker and this can be frustrating for other people. I do believe that my way is the right way and it usually takes quite a bit of convincing before I am willing to change my mind.

Do I want to be at peace or do I want Drama?  List situations when I chose drama instead.

This one i am definitely getting better at, but I have done some backsliding. The one instance that comes to mind right away is the argument with Shelby recently about her favorite president. She even refused to engage and yet I continued to push her.  I kept telling myself that I didn’t really want an argument, but I absolutely wanted to force her into a corner and show her either why she was wrong or that she had no support for her argument. Another instance when being right was more important is at work sometimes whenI refuse to just clam up and take the blame when I know it isn’t my fault. This usually doesn’t cause drama but I am sure life would be easier if I just let some things slide. Other instances with Shelby also come to mind, when we are arguing about directions or a specific fact.  Usually she refuses to engage, but there are times when she will.  I tell myself that I am just trying to help her by showing her that not everyone is always going to buy her stories because she tells them with an authoritative voice.

What does my ego fear?  What is the truth of who I am?

My ego fears not being the best at whatever I attempt, which is why I push myself to get a 4.0 and to be the most competitive to have the most points or whatever it may be.  My ego fears being irrelevant, which is why I do my best to make myself indispensable at my job and to my friends. My ego fears not being important and having no one know me.  My ego fears that I will have been irrelevant here in my time on earth.  I try to trick myself into seeing this as a responsibility, but I realize now that I get off too much on being a martyr to really be doing good for unselfish reasons alone. 

The truth of who I am is that I am good enough exactly as I am and with whatever I am doing. The truth is that I am being presented with lessons so that I may evolve and that I may not always get the lessons on the first try and that is okay. The truth is that I am a kind, loving, peace craving soul, who sometimes (well a lot of the time) is sidetracked by the egos needs. The truth is that I am good enough.

Gossip, record of gossiping, sharing news, or feeling like a know it all:

I do this a lot with Shelby because I feel that she is always doing it, so I am constantly trying to gain some of my power back with her because she acts as if she knows everything. In my realization of how she acts, I rarely notice that I am actually seeking power. I even catch myself talking down to her if I feel that she should know something that she doesnt or wasn’t listening. I try to gossip less and don’t really have a lot to gossip about at the moment, but have been quite guilty of it in the past.  I knew then that it was my way of making myself feel better by putting someone else down.  At the time I didn’t have the knowledge that it is my ego acting out of fear of being less than someone else that pushes me to gossip.

Practice being present with someone and not wanting anything, record your experiences:

 

Thoughts during class:

I need to become comfortable with not knowing who I am with not being able to define myself.  Once you attach a label to someone or a group of people, you are able to desensitize yourself to their aliveness.  When you label you become unable to experience the essence of the person, just the same as when you label things in nature.

We are the awareness of the ego. We are the conciousness.

The frightening part of it all is that to fully experience this and embrace it, I may lose relationships with my friends and others because they may be uncomfortable with my new experience and choices.

Complaining is not meant to bring about change but instead to strengthen the ego.  There are complaints that are meant to bring about change which does not strengthen the ego. The difference is that the ego is attempting to make somebody wrong or into an enemy rather than create change.

As soon as you become aware of the ego in any way, then it is no longer ego but simply mind patterning. Once you become aware of the complaining as attached to the ego, then it is no longer the ego but a part of a mind set. When you are criticized and then hurt or angry it is the ego that is hurting or is angry. The ego goes into self-repair mode.

Most human spiritual teachers is their suffering. It is through the suffering that our lessons are learned. It is so absolutely true of me that anyone disagreeing with my position is an attack on my person.

The attachment to the form does not mean that you enjoy it but that you are identified with the form.  You can not enjoy it if you are so identified with it because you are in constant fear that it will leave you or that it will no longer be satisfying.

Whatever you fight you strengthen and what you resists persists.  This is physics again. War on drugs but drugs are a bigger problem than ever. Focus on what we can do positively because the energy is must more powerful. Instead of trying to help someone in crisis you instead should just be with them in presence. It is difficult for me to get past the idea that I am here to help.  Eckhart says that we are one manifestation together as a human concious, therefore my ultimate purpose is to bring the power of awareness into the world. This means that I must let go of the idea that I am better because I am sacrificing and helping insteadof wanting and getting.

In order to have a good relationship with life I must have a good relationship with life because that is all there is.  Life is now. Now is all there is. The ego lives in a constant state of not enough. We are not our beliefs or thoughts or feelings.  Instead we are the space and awareness for those things to appear.

DEAR GOD!!! eternity is not endless time but instead a dimension of timelessness and where does the timelessness lie, nowhere but within me.  It is this timeless dimension that defines me. This means there is no need to be fearful of a time without end that i can not control or wrap my brain around.  Instead it is the me that experiences the now only and worries not about the past or the future.

The truth of who you are is the only thing that can set you free but the realization of this is not the knowledge of but the realization of. The essence of who I am can not be destroyed because energy can not be destroyed but only change forms. This is amazingly freeing and yet hard to comprehend let alone realize.