Thoughts after reading: 

What an amazing chapter.  It is quite freeing to realize that I am not my thoughts or my things or my body or any form.  I am the me that recognizes that I am not these things. This is an amazingly powerful idea. I especially related to the point that he makes that the ego is constantly striving to identify as or with something. This is so true that I can be the person who is passionate about helping people, I can be the person who gets good grades, I can be the person who is passionate about the environment, I can be the one not afraid of confrontation, the knitter, the reader, the great big sister. The list goes on and on and while it is freeing to know that I am not those things but rather just I AM. It is also quite frightening. The ego is fighting to stay identified it does not want me to let go of who it believes it is.  The ego is afraid if I let go of it I will get lost and no one me included will know who I am.

Workbook:

1. Write down repetive thought patterns especially negative ones.

One repetitve thought is that I am not thin enough, I constanly rail at myself for gaining 10 pounds over the past 5 years.  Another is that I must be the best whether it be grades or work ethic or fastest or most fit or with the most points.  I am pretty sure that this is because I don’t feel I am good enough as I am. Another thought pattern is that I am not pretty enough that if someone is looking at me I am sure that it is because I have something stuck in my teeth or my skirt in my panties. This is probably why I don’t date.

2. Do things induce a feeling of importance and superiority?  Do I mention or show them off to increase my self worth? Does the lack of them make me feel inferior? Do I feel resentful and somewhat diminished in my sense of self?

I don’t think that things make me feel important or superior.  There are things that comfort me like books and shoes. I don’t feel superior because of the car I drive or the things I have, as a matter of fact a lot of times I feel guilty for everything I have when other people have so little. Achievement makes me feel important and superior. When I get an A or a compliment from my boss, that makes me feel superior. When I don’t achieve like I want to, then I feel inferior or like I am not myself and not worthy of whatever I am trying to achieve.

3. If you take away one kind of identification, the eqo will quickly find another. What do I think this means?

This is pretty powerful. I think it means that if you stop being the smart girl, then the ego will identify itself with being the skinny girl. The ego is not content to simply be. It will connect itself to whatever it can to have a space among all of the other egos. It will constantly compare itself to the other egos, making sure to stand out in its identification.  If you reconcile your weight then the ego will latch on to being a victim in another sense. Until I reconcile with the ego and force/convince it to just be or maybe I am supposed to recognize the ego and stop identifying with it and therefore will not be identified with anything with form.  Scary and tough this is, but also very exciting and liberating.

4. Record the experiences of feeling the life energy inside the body form.

This is really amazing.  When I shift my energy to a certain part of my body, it is like all the other parts disappear and only the part I am focusing on exists for me.  Sometimes there are tingles, other times it feels as if there is a glowing from inside. I am unable to sustain it for lengthy periods of time, but am still working on it.  I find that the most interesting is to try to shift attention from the brain and to the heart or belly region, where I feel more connected to the life force and not ego.

5. Record experiences when you are reaching for something you think you want and instead you get in touch with your essence identity.

I have yet to do this and may need to reread this section if it isn’t discussed in class.

6. What experience of loss have you resisted? How about that you have yielded to? What happened?

I resisted the loss of my grandmother, which lead to anger and guilt that I hadn’t spent more time with her. When I actually allowed myself to connect with her, I began to realized that she was amazingly proud of me and that she harbored no regrets about our time together.  This gave me an immense sense of peace and there are times when I still feel her presence around me.  I have also resisted the loss of boyfriends. I have a very difficult time when people leave my life. I take this very personally and see it as a comment on my self worth that I am not good enough for these men to even want to remain friends with. I am still struggling with this one for some of the past relationships, but for a few I was able to let go and now I have an easier time looking back at the lessons I was supposed to learn.

Thoughts During Class:

When you label someone and yourself then when you are relating you are relating to the labels and situations and not to the exactness of the moment.

98% of our thoughts are useless.  and when we rid ourselves of the ego the energy that was wasted on the ego becomes presence. Most of us are completely identified with our story, our past, or successes, or failures, but that is not who we are in our essence.  It is no more than a collection of thoughts. You can in a meditational setting just ask, “who am I?” but you do not answer you simply leave the blank and wait for your sense of presence to arrive.

The beginning of the ego is when a child identifies with a toy and when it is taken away they are caused much pain. The toy adds something to their sense of self. In the child’s mind the toy is a part of them. As adults we identify with the thoughts we hold. Our opinions are a part of the image we have of ourselves. The ego believe that it is being attacked. Once we become attached to concepts and get an idea in our head we no longer really perceive the aliveness in anything. Instead of this is an oak tree, say this is called an oak tree. It is a word that tries to describe the essence, not the essence itself.

Anytime you feel yourself superior or inferior to anyone that is always your ego talking. The ego is constantly comparing itself to others. Ego is always attached to the past through the history or memories, the story of the person or to the future in its want for something more always.  Ego is never in the present.  It is the wants that keeps the ego alive. There is no life except the now, because if you are remembering something from the past then you are remembering it now and if you are wanting something to happen then when it happens it happens now.